King Kong Rundown

Note: This is a rundown. This means that there will be spoilers a-plenty as well as many moments where the plot of the movie is completely torn apart and handed a new pair of shiny balls just to have them torn asunder again. It is not a review, but simply an overview of a movie told in jesting fashion. The point of these is to mostly show how ridiculous some movies are when you take apart what they actually are.

King Kong: the Peter Jackson version.

The movie start’s by showing us how chubby and NOT ridiculous Jack Black is. See? He makes movie-films about animals! He’s not that goofy guy you all know and have mixed feelings about, he’s a real actor! Honest!

Also his Orange County co-star is with him because they are friends. That guy is also Tom Hanks’ son, Jeb Hanks.

So Jeb and Jack Black start showing a few movie producers some boring-ass film of animals walking around in the wild. The producers tell Jack Black that he needs to film people making out and showing their bare shoulders! Now THAT gets audiences into seats! Jack Black says that he thinks animals are cooler, and he’s going to go find King Kong, but they want the some sweet sweet SMUT, because that’s what sells. Jack Black then steals their cameras and escapes to his boat.

Now we shift to the blonde chick. Now I’m sure everyone just got all up in arms because I called Naomi Watts “the blonde chick” but honestly, I could have called her THE chick and it would suffice. She is seriously the ONLY woman in this whole movie. Right then. Anyways, the blonde chick is shown being poor because she works for a comedy troupe, and during the old days people don’t smiles (not even in pictures) so nobody goes to their shows. She gets fired and decides to steal an apple, when she meets Jack Black. He looks into her extremely shiny eyes, then they keep focusing in on both of their eyes to make their eyes as bright and striking as possible, then he buys her the apple and tells her to come hang out at his boat.

Now the boat!

Blonde chick gets to the boat acting like she’s a serious actress and not just some comedy troupe lackey, nobody is fooled. Jack Black tells the captain to get the boat moving, but the captain knows something is up. Jack Black lies and says he has studio-backing and will pay the guy a boat load, so the captain says ok and gets the boat moving. Also, this is where Adrien Brody shows up. He’s a writer and doesn’t want to be on the boat, but then it starts moving so he decides he’s stuck on the boat instead of very easily just jumping off into the water and swimming like twenty feet back to shore. Oh well, I guess the water is really really cold. Writers can’t handle the cold. Everyone knows that.

On the boat the captain says they are going to some nice island, but Jack Black has other ideas! He wants to bring them to Super Death Skull Island instead. That’s where King Kong is. They also start filming their movie on the boat with the guy from Early Edition. While Jack Black starts forcing the boat toward Skull Island, they start up some side-plot with a kid crewmember who knows how to read and a big big black guy on the boat who looks like he will totally have some badass fight later on since he’s huge and has an awesome deep voice. They give the huge guy a 5-minute monologue about how the stow-away kid is cool and has no parents and is a really good kid when he isn’t stealing Adrien Brody’s writing utensils. Clearly they are building up the stowaway character for something later on in the movie! Foreshadowing perhaps? We shall see..!

Finally they get to the island, but nobody wants to go ashore. Especially not Andy Serkis, you know, Golem from Lord of the Rings? Well yeah, he plays a pirate in this one as well as King Kong himself. As a pirate he smokes a pipe. Pretty badass, right? Well like all the other members of the crew, their potential badassery falls short or never happens at all.

Once they take a boat ashore, they meet some tribal people who kill a few of them, nobody important, and then they run away. Oh they also point at a few people and mumble in their crazy Skull Island language. Well all those murders spook Jack Black and his crew something fierce, so they go back to their boat and decide they should leave, but unfortunately for them some of the tribal people use GIANT STICKS like they are stilts to hop from the island onto their boat! They also don’t wear shoes. Ouch.

Well the tribal people grab Blonde Chick and leave behind one of their necklaces. This leads the crew to believe that tribal people must have used giant sticks like stilts to get on their boat and kidnap a SINGLE person. Therefore, even though 4 of their guys just got murdered, they decide that a single person is worth going back to the island to find, and if they see King Kong on the way, it’s a win-win.

They get back to the island and kill some tribal people, but then King Kong comes by to grab Blonde Chick from the thing they tied her to. He looks at her, smells her for a bit, then ganks her off the rope thing.

From here the crew decides that instead of leaving a single person on the island to die, they need to rescue her, and probably get more than half their crew killed in the process. They walk around for a while and see lots of giant versions of bugs and some dinosaurs. The big black guy also gets killed randomly, King Kong see’s him and whacks him off the side of a cliff. They also kill lots more guys then King Kong kills some T-Rex’s, some giant bugs attack Blonde Chick sort of, and then she juggles for King Kong. While she juggles she sees that Kong is just like any other person, except he’s a giant ape and not a regular sized person at all.

Eventually, after like 90% of the crew dies, Adrien Brody shows up on King Kong’s lair to save Blonde Chick. He fights some giant bats then gets her, they manage to outrun a GIANT APE all the way back to the shore where Kong finally catches up to them. Just in time to get totally gassed by Jack Black.

Jack Black decides he wants to bring the giant ape back with him to prop up in an extremely small theater not built to support even half of King Kong’s weight, but it’s ok because it’s Jack Black. The whole plan makes perfect sense, they also apparently had never heard of a zoo back then, so they thought that a musical theatre was the next best thing.

Cut to New York, everyone went their separate ways except for Jack Black and King Kong (who cant go his own way because he is chained up in a theatre, remember?) Blonde Chick is doing whatever and Adrien Brody is writing plays about her because he’s in love with her. Eventually King Kong breaks out to everyones surprise, because since they had never heard of a zoo, they seriously thought that a musical theatre was the next best thing to a zoo.

Kong runs around New York City for a while, blowing up cars and whatnot, then he sees Blonde Chick and they hang out. He brings her to Central Park and they go ice skating for a while, even though a GIGANTIC APE’s hand probably would have weighed enough to break the ice, but back in those days cold weather was colder than our cold weather. It’s just how things were. ok?

After a little while the military realizes that they were in Central Park, so they bring in some airplanes to destroy King Kong. He think’s it’s a great idea to climb the Empire State Building, because honestly, he’s just a dumb ape. Eventually the inevitable happens and he gets shot enough times to kill 200 normal apes, which only hurts him a little. Adrien Brody shows up just to remind everyone he was in the movie, and then King Kong gets shot some more and falls down the building and dies.

The End.

About Jon Q Public

Jon Q Public can blend into any crowd. He is tallish but not too tall, he probably has a light beard or a 5 O'Clock shadow. He wears nice slacks with a fancy jacket. He's your average American Taxpayer: Mr. Jon Q Public.