X-Men Rundown (all of them) Part 1

Note: This is a rundown. This means that there will be spoilers a-plenty as well as many moments where the plot of the movie is completely torn apart and handed a new pair of shiny balls just to have them torn asunder again. It is not a review, but simply an overview of a movie told in jesting fashion. The point of these is to mostly show how ridiculous some movies are when you take apart what they actually are.

X-Men Origins: Wolverine

It all started with James Howlett. James was a sickly child who was really pretty lame. He killed the guy who killed his Dad but the guy who killed his Dad was actually his. So… he killed his dad.

This is when his mutation activated: claws and kickass healing powers! Woo! Also his half brother Victor was there, and was totally cool with their Dad getting killed. So they went to The Civil War. Not the Marvel Civil War, but the real, American Civil War between the North and the South. Thus proving that Wolverine is extremely old.

They carry on like that, two brothers fighting every single war ever, getting shot, surviving, healing, getting shot some more, killing some people, you know, the usual. They eventually join a team of other mutants who kill people for the U.S. government.

Victor kills too many people and James gets mad and becomes a lumberjack.

At some point whilst being a lumberjack his girlfriend seems to die, and the leader of his old gang tells him Victor is killing his friends. James is told that the best way to kill his own brother is by putting lots of metal in his bones. He agrees, then gets mad about it and kills lots of people who helped him be totally awesome and all adamantiumy.

James then decides to see what will.i.am is up to these days. They were in the government killer group together, and will.i.am isn’t dead yet. He finds out that Victor is still killing people and decides he should meet Gambit and stop Victor from killing more people.

will.i.am dies and so do some other guys from the old team. Victor kills most of them. James and Gambit fly to an island where mutants are being held captive. The guy in charge of his old team tells James that they are taking bits of different peoples powers and putting them into Ryan Reynolds. But they sewed his mouth shut because he talks too much, and merc’s shouldn’t talk to much, because then they’d just be ‘the merc with a mouth’. (Deadpool).

James fights Ryan Reynolds and Victor decides to help him, even though Victor and James don’t like each other. They eventually cut Ryan Reynolds’ head off, and he falls down a smokestack where he lays waiting for the credits to end.

James then gets shot in the head which magically makes him forget his memories, and he walks off into a sequel.