J Thomas Has a Conversation with Himself About Thor

“I saw Thor. That’s all I have to say about it. I saw it.”

“It wasn’t bad, definitely not the worst superhero movie I’ve seen.”

“I mean, Daredevil was worse, sure. X-Men 3 was a mess.”

“Are we going to talk about Spider-man 3?”

“Not today.”

“So Thor. I liked it but maybe that’s because I know it’s more of a sampler than it is a stand-alone film.”

“It’s a nice prequel to The Avengers, but on it’s own it feels a little . . . thin.”

“I know what you mean. There was a time when superhero movies had to have plots. I mean solid, three-act plot arcs with characters.”

“I mean, guess we’ve forgotten why the first X-men was so revolutionary. It had three dimensional characters and a plot that not only made sense, but made sense to people that hadn’t seen the comics.”

“The production values helped, too.”

“Sure, they helped Thor too. This movie couldn’t have existed ten years ago. Kenneth Branagh is a master for sure. Thor looks beautiful, it’s probably one of the glossiest superhero movies I’ve seen. After The Dark Knight I can appreciate a little gloss. Still, Thor doesn’t stray away from being dark at some points. There’s some definitely creepy scenes that take place in a location that more than a little resembles Dante’s version of Hell.”

“You saw it in 3d?”

“I didn’t mean to, but yeah. The effects were nice, I didn’t get sick or anything. But as always the extra dimension didn’t add anything but to the cost of the ticket price.”

“But let’s talk about the story.”

“Okay, this will be easy because there wasn’t one. Aside from the initial action at the beginning, there isn’t any other impetus that moves the narrative along. Thor has an all-star cast that more than services what plot there is, but for the most part they’re wasted. Thor tries to cram too much mythology into too little space. Thor’s relationships with everyone except for his brother and Jane Foster (Natalie Portman) feel thin and unconvincing. The warriors three are a great addition and it’s nice to see that they didn’t totally eliminate part of the comics from the film, but they feel underused and more like clever plot devices than actual characters. They exist, they’re there. ‘Great’, the movie says, ‘now let’s see what’s going on on Earth.'”

“Which is a total snooze.”

“Totally. Earth is a boring place for Thor. The movie never quite leaves the sleepy desert town that it’s set in (is it Arizona? I never bothered to listen to find out) and when it does, it’s only to pan around Asgard to show us the gods looking pensive. Thor as a powerless human is a boring exercise in comic futility. The “Stranger in a Strange Land” trope is pretty tired and Branagh doesn’t try to bring anything new to it here. People think Thor is crazy, Thor is happy go lucky and gets into trouble, his friends reluctantly get him out of it. Am I missing anything?”

“Kat Dennings.”

“Stop it, no. I won’t acknowledge that she was in this film. I have never seen a character break the pacing of a scene so obscenely as she did. If there is anything bad to be said about this film it’s that Kat Dennigs was in it.”

“You don’t care for her?”

“Some people like Nick and Nora’s Infinite Playlist.”

“You didn’t?”

“Oh, don’t. Don’t even.”

“So you thought Thor was underwhelming?”

“To say the least. The film is a trite character study wrapped in two really awesome fights. Which is what I wanted to see: big, stupid fights between well-chiseled men in Halloween costumes.”

“There’s something there that maybe you want to consider seeking help for, it’s not even really below the surface.”

“Point is, Thor is a nice little film that bridges a gap that needed to be filled between Iron Man 2 and The Avengers. I’m sure we’ll see more of him after that. I just don’t know if I’ll be watching.”

“But you’d say it was a pleasant experience?”

“Oh, of course. The movie itself was a joy to watch unfold. I guess kids would like it. There’s just not a lot to hold on to, you know? So maybe the older kids would be a little bored. Fans of the comics will probably find something to enjoy, even if that something is picking apart the changes they made for the adaptation. Nerds are notorious pedants.”

“So no drastic character arcs, no great moral quandaries?”

“Nothing substantial, no. Thor goes from being a smiling, meat-headed doofus to a smiling meat-headed doofus who learns to care about people. He loses his hammer, he gets it back. Something happens with his brother and there’s Ice Giants. There, I ruined it.”

“I wouldn’t expect anything less. So what? You want to eat?”

“I could eat.”

Grade: C+