Stargate (the movie) Rundown

Note: This is a rundown. This means that there will be spoilers a-plenty as well as many moments where the plot of the movie is completely torn apart and handed a new pair of shiny balls just to have them torn asunder again. It is not a review, but simply an overview of a movie told in jesting fashion. The point of these is to mostly show how ridiculous some movies are when you take apart what they actually are.

Way way back in the distant past (1994) there was a man named James Spader.

James believed that aliens used the pyramids in Egypt as landing pads for their giant spaceships. Nobody believed him because he had absolutely no proof of such an insane theory, so he resorted to giving presentations about his ridiculous, unproven theory in small libraries on rainy nights.

This is where Stargate, the 1994 box office SMASH HIT starts.

While standing in the rain without an umbrella, James Spader gets propositioned by an old lady. She tells him she wants his help to look at some Egyptian junk, he realizes he has no money and no career, so why not go with a strange lady in her fancy limo to a strange underground military bunker? Sounds like a solid plan.

Quick jump over to a guy named Jack Burton… Jack O’Neill? We’ll go with Jack Burton. That character was more fun. He’s sitting in a child’s room looking sad so we can only assume his kid is dead or something, surely someone will tell us through James Spader later on in the movie to explain away Jack’s unnecessarily harsh attitude.

Some military guys ask Jack to come to a thing with them, he says he doesn’t want to, but he eventually comes anyways.

Now back to the military base where James Spader is trying to figure out hieroglyphs. At no point does he wonder why the military would need to decipher ancient hieroglyphs, maybe they just REALLY like ancient history. That must be it.

Eventually James Spader figures out what everything means by writing on a TV screen with a permanent marker. Obviously you can only solve things with permanent markers.

The government soon decides to tell James that he has actually been deciphering some hieroglyphs from a Stargate. You know, like the show?

They soon open the Stargate and it opens into a desert. It is decided that they should send a team of ALL SOLDIERS and a ONE scientist, James Spader.

At this point it should have been clear to everyone that it wasn’t a good idea to rely on a single person to figure out how to get them back to Earth, but obviously James Spader is the only man for the job, so they should probably stick with JUST him. Makes sense.

They go through the Stargate and soon find lots of natives. The natives think they are the gods because James Spader has a pendant of The Eye of Ra which means he must be a god himself.

From here the director decided to stop making a real movie for a while and just pull out the biggest cliche of meeting a foreign tribe.

James Spader accepts some food from some chick, which means they are now married. All sorts of marital antics occur involving James bumbling around looking confused and nerdy.

After 15 minutes of cliches the director decides to go back to making a real movie.

The real god Ra comes down and takes James Spader and Jack. The gets mad at James and tells him he can’t be Ra too.

Half of the Americans get killed and James Spader starts an uprising with the locals, forcing Ra to get mad and kill some more people.

Ra then decides to blow up the people on the plant, but good ol’ Jack Burton puts a stop to that, blowing up his ship instead killing Ra and freeing everyone on the planet.

James Spader also decides he likes the woman he married on the planet and decides to stay. Jack goes back to Earth and all is well forever.